


edge of desire

by halfsourpaulson



Category: American Horror Story, American Horror Story: Coven
Genre: American Horror Story: Coven - Freeform, Angst, F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-20
Updated: 2020-04-20
Packaged: 2021-03-01 17:08:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,342
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23760610
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/halfsourpaulson/pseuds/halfsourpaulson
Summary: An angsty one shot Coven AU fanfic.
Relationships: Cordeia Foxx | Cordelia Goode & Reader, Cordelia Foxx | Cordelia Goode & You, Cordelia Foxx | Cordelia Goode/Reader, Cordelia Foxx | Cordelia Goode/You
Kudos: 26





	edge of desire

**Author's Note:**

> This is originally posted on my Wattpad account but decided to post it here as well.

It's a gloomy afternoon and the skies are gray, with no sign of a little sunlight. I'm so stupid, I should've listened to the morning weather news. Now I'll be soaked in the rain because I didn't bring my umbrella with me.

I'm walking fast, almost running, to get to my apartment first before the rain will start to pour down. A crackling thunder boomed through the sky, startling some people who heard it. Their reactions are a little comical for me and I felt bad for laughing. Yeah, you laugh right now, self. Because later you will be drenched and annoyed.

It'll take me 15 minutes more until I get home, but the heavens decided to fuck with me. The rain started pouring down, hard. With no warning or whatsoever, it didn't even come off as little drizzles at first. It just full on started raining hard. Great. 

People around me panicked and are seeking shelter from the torrential rain. My vision is blurry due to the rapid droplets of water and if I try to walk home right now, the chances of me being run over is very likely. I just want to go home to my house plants and drink coffee while reading a good book. But that plan has to be delayed for a while because I'm out here, soaked and feeling cold because of my own stupidity. I will definitely bring my umbrella everywhere from now on.

As I stood under a shed, waiting peacefully for the rain to die down so I could walk back home again, a familiar soft voice called me.

"(Y/N)?"

Shit, that voice. Can my day get any better? Really, universe? Really.

I turned my head towards the blonde woman beside me. "Cordelia." I nodded my head once.

Cordelia smiled back at me. Her brown eyes are twinkling, as if she's happy to see me again. "You forgot your umbrella again, huh." She bit her lip and looked away slightly before continuing, "it's really nice to see you again."

I looked in front of me again to watch the rain. I don't know what to say. Her statement made me remember the first time we met. Before I could respond, I was pulled into a flashback.

_"Hi, would you like to share this umbrella with me?" A beautiful blonde stranger asked me as I'm shivering from the coldness of my wet clothes. I am standing under a flimsy shade to protect me from the harshness of the weather. I really hate the rain._

_"Uhm, that's nice of you, ma'am. But I'm okay, thanks." I smiled to the kind stranger._

_"I am Cordelia." The blonde held out her hand for me to shake._

_Cordelia. Her name is as beautiful as her._

_Mentally slapping myself for staring, I shook her dry but smooth hand. "I'm (Y/N)."_

_Her hands are warm, in contrast to my very cold ones. It comforted me in a way._

_"It's nice to meet you, (Y/N)." Cordelia responded._

_Out of nowhere, I sneezed. Awesome, now I'm getting sick. The rain doesn't seem to be stopping anytime soon. I am now tempted to take the kind blonde's offer, if it's still up. She must've heard my thoughts because she said softly:_

_"Want to share my umbrella with me? Let's take you somewhere warm." She smiled beautifully._

I cleared my throat after pulling myself out of that flashback.

"Yeah." I responded, without showing any emotion. My breathing is starting to get uneven because of the chaos starting to build up inside of me.

"How are you?" Cordelia asked, trying to start a small talk.

I can't almost hear her because of how loud the rain is.

"I'm great. Yeah, I'm great. How about you?" I asked. I still refused to look towards her because just knowing her presence is right here beside me, at this moment, is already causing turmoil in my head. A glimpse of her will make me explode.

"I'm doing great, too. Thank you." Cordelia responded softly.

Through my peripheral vision, I saw the bracelet she's wearing. It's the one I gave her many, many years ago.

_After Cordelia rescued me when we first met, we instantly became friends after that. I found out she's getting married to Hank, and it caused a little pain in my heart because I really liked her. I hate Hank, he never treated Cordelia right. But Cordelia, being the overly-nice person who always sees the "good" in people (if Hank even had any good in him), she's blinded by her love for Hank. She still married him. That douchebag never deserved her. And the nerve of that asshole to cheat on Cordelia! I will never forget how devastated Cordelia was when she discovered it. She was crying in the bar, drinking her pain away, then she called me. It was raining hard that night, and me being whipped over Cordelia, I went without thinking twice. I love Cordelia with all the fiber of my being, and I will do anything for her._

_"(Y/N), can you please come pick me up? Please, darling?" Cordelia drunk called me, slurring her words._

_She always calls me darling, it's her pet name for me. That fucking nickname always make me fall down on my knees to do everything for her._

_"I'm coming, Delia."_

_I arrived to the bar in 5 minutes. I could've arrived sooner if it weren't for the rain._

_When I saw my dear Cordelia, passed out on the bar counter with still damp tears, my heart broke. I want to beat that fucking asshole so bad. Make him beg for his life because of how hard I beat him. But I don't want my Cordelia to hate me so I won't do that._

_"Delia, baby, I'm here. Let's get you home, okay?" I cooed at the drunk blonde. I thanked the bartender for watching over her._

_It's hard to get a drunk Cordelia to stand up, not to mention it's raining hard outside. So I have no choice but to carry Delia on my back. She's not that heavy, but the added pressure of not getting her wet from the rain made it a tough job. She's practically passed out and I've been flagging out for taxis but there's no luck._

_Sighing, I've decided that I have to walk Delia home. Waiting impatiently for the rain to at least calm down a bit, my heart raced when I heard Delia whisper in my hair._

_"Your hair smells so good, (Y/N). Thank you for always being there for me. I love you."_

_I was speechless. Of course she doesn't mean it in the way I want her to mean it. Right? Cordelia sees me only as a friend._

_But they said that drunk people always say the truth. Yeah, and that truth is that Cordelia loves me. **As a friend.**_

_Swallowing the lump in my throat, I whispered back. Knowing Cordelia won't remember it tomorrow morning, this is my chance to at least tell her how I feel. "I love you more, Delia."_

I made an effort to at least fill the uncomfortable silence between the blonde and me. Well, it's not really silent because of the loud rain.

"How's the academy?" I asked timidly, still not looking towards the blonde.

"What?" Cordelia asked. Of course, she can't hear because the rain is loud and I didn't talk to her direction. Gulping slightly, I turned towards the blonde, and spoke louder.

"I said, how's the academy?"

"Oh, it's still the same, but it's better. We have some new students now." Cordelia smiled.

This is why I don't want to look at the blonde. She always manages to take my breath away with just one smile.

"You should visit some time. I mean, if you're not busy." Cordelia continued.

Here we go again.

_I visited the academy Cordelia is running because she said she needs some help in arranging some of the rooms the new students are residing in. After her divorce with Hank, the blonde distracted herself by being busy on the academy. She even took in new students to teach, and it's so nice to see her in her element._

_Cordelia has this motherly instinct and her warm nature is very comforting. Her never-ending kindness and patience makes her students trust her about everything. That's just who Cordelia is. An overall amazing person. Her immense beauty is just an added bonus._

_It has gotten late now and it's raining. Again. The weather news predicted earlier there will be a heavy rainfall tonight. Awesome. I can't stay here!_

_"(Y/N), I think you should stay. It will be dangerous for you to drive at this hour and weather. There are lots of rooms in here." Cordelia offered._

_Man, how can I turn down her offer? She's looking at me with those big brown puppy eyes, obviously I will say yes. I hate myself because I am too soft for Cordelia. I should totally date someone now, move on from this unrequited love I'm in._

_I nodded at Cordelia and she smiled so big._

_"Finally, it's like a sleepover! Let me get you some pajamas you can change in." Cordelia said then walked away to get the said pajamas._

_After I changed into a more comfortable sleepwear, Cordelia and I are now sitting in her bed, talking about things. It's still raining outside, and if the weather news is right, it won't stop until tomorrow. So staying in with Delia for the night is indeed the best choice._

_"When did you know that you're...gay?" Cordelia carefully asked. She's known since day one that I'm a lesbian, I thought our friendship will stop once she learns that. But being the supportive and understanding person that she is, she didn't mind it at all. God, I love her._

_I giggled slightly because of how nervous and adorable Delia is to ask that question. "Since I was in my mother's womb, I think."_

_Cordelia nodded in understanding, then I saw her eyes look down into my lips, then bit her own. What is she thinking?_

_"Why'd you ask?" I asked her, then I saw her eyes go back up to my eyes. She blushed lightly, knowing that she's been caught._

_"I-I... Nothing. I was just curious." Cordelia stuttered._

_I nodded. I looked at her clock and realized it's late._

_"It's late, bug. I'll go to my bed so you can rest now, too." I told her._

_I was about to get up when she held my wrist gently but suddenly. It's like she doesn't want me to go. I paused and looked at her. Cordelia looks conflicted and she keeps opening her mouth to say something, but then she'll close it again._

_Getting confused because of her actions, I asked her. "What's wrong, bug?"_

_Cordelia widened her eyes. Then took a deep breath to compose herself. "M-May I... May I kiss you?"_

_Now I am shocked. What! She...she wants to kiss me? She's making me confused now. Why does she want to kiss me?_

_My mind went blank but my heart is pounding so hard. Before I could respond, the blonde spoke up again._

_"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have asked that. I'm really sorry." Cordelia tried to fix the situation._

_I sat on her bed again and faced her. I think the blonde is curious how's it like to kiss another woman or something. So fine, I'll feed her curiosity._

_"You may kiss me." I said, not thinking about the consequences that might come with this certain action._

_My heart is thumping in my chest so hard that I'm starting to feel it wants to get out. I'm trying to prepare for what's about to come, or...not to come._

_Cordelia nodded slightly then took a deep breath. I'd kill someone just to know what's going on inside that pretty head of hers. I wish I could read minds right now. The blonde held my face gently and started to slowly lean in. I leaned in too so we could meet in the middle._

_When our lips finally met, I feel like melting into a puddle. Her lips are so sweet and soft and plump. It's fucking perfect. I can't believe I'm kissing my straight best friend right now! All the red flags are warning me but I'm not listening to them._

_The rain continued to pour hard outside and now I'm thanking the nature for deciding to do that. If it weren't for the rain, I wouldn't have stayed here in the academy. I wouldn't have been kissing the love of my life right now!_

_Deciding not to dwell about what could happen in the next future once this kiss ended, I poured all my devotion and love for Cordelia in this kiss. I'll make it the best kiss she's ever had, because it is for me._

"Are you okay?" A soft voice took me out of my trance again.

Flashbacks after flashbacks after flashbacks? Fuck, my head is making me crazy. Fuck this rain, fuck this moment, and fuck this rain especially.

I shook my head slightly to make sure I'm still sane. Then I responded to the blonde. "Yeah, I'm-I'm okay. Sorry. I was just..."

Cordelia let out a soft giggle. Fuck that giggle, too.

"Uhm... How's everyone? In the... In the academy. I mean." I stuttered. Why am I so weak when it comes to my ex-bestfriend?

"Ah, they're all fine. The first few students that I had, have grown into wise and mature women now. I'm training Zoe and Queenie to become instructors, as well." Cordelia smiled, proud of her girls.

I smiled back. Those girls, they treated me like family. I've grown fond about them, too. Especially Zoe and Queenie. Nan, as well. Madison is a bitch but she has a soft spot for me and I have one for her, too. When my friendship with Cordelia broke, all of the connections I made through it got broken as well. It's painful and hard. But eh, I'm used to it now. Although sometimes I miss the girls. They said I was like the older sister they've always wanted but never had.

"I... We miss you." Cordelia stammered, then gave a tight-lipped smile.

My heart swelled from both joy and hurt. I nodded and sighed deeply then mumbled, "I miss you guys, too."

_I woke up confused to the 50 missed calls I received from Zoe, Queenie, and Nan. Oh, Madison called me, too. What's going on?_

_I listened to some of their voicemails and it all sounded like they're in distress. Zoe said they tried to stop Cordelia from going out of the academy because of the heavy rain. But the blonde didn't listen to their warnings and still drove and they've been calling her cell but she isn't answering. They're all worried because Cordelia is a calm and level-headed person but her sudden outburst surprised them. They're asking me if I know where she is._

_Of course I don't know where she is. The blonde and I don't talk that much anymore. Now I'm worried, too. Ever since Cordelia and I kissed at the academy three months ago, everything changed. It broke my heart even more because she started to distance herself from me. Maybe she's disgusted by me. I can't blame her, I am disgusted by me, too. I hate myself for letting it happen, 'cause now our friendship became turbulent after it. Our innocent touches-whether holding hands, little hugs, small pecks on the forehead or cheeks-makes Cordelia flinch._

_I've been trying to reach her but she always pull away. My heart felt like someone stabbed it and then they stomped at it over and over again. That someone is Cordelia. She owns my heart, and I'm stupid by letting her do anything she wants to it. I'm thinking maybe I took advantage of Cordelia's vulnerability at that moment? I mean, she just had a divorce with a dick idiot who cheated on her so she's still volatile. And then her dyke best friend took advantage of her weakness. Fuck, I hate myself. I completely ruined my friendship with her._

_Now I have nothing. I'm already fine with just friends with her because that is better than having nothing at all, but that is also not an option now. Fuck me._

_It's been two weeks since we last talked to each other and as much as it breaks my heart so much, I gave her what she wants. I think she wants space. Cordelia keeps on confusing me but I'm not doing anything to make myself feel better. I am so in love with her that I'm letting her do anything, no matter how hurtful it is._

_Looking out the window, the rain is freaking harsh tonight. It's like the skies are crying for me and my situation. I brought this to myself, so there's no one else to blame but me._

_The thunders are extra loud tonight. It won't surprise me if there will be a power outage in the city later. With a lightning that violent? An electric post would be hit._

_I dialed Delia's number anxiously (because the possibility of her not picking up my call is very likely), while watching the rain pour hard outside. I hope wherever Cordelia is, she has an umbrella with her. I hope she's safe. I hope she's alri-_

_My thoughts were cut short when I heard urgent and loud knocks on my door. Who would come at my apartment at this hour? Putting my phone down and taking a weapon that could protect me, I slowly approached the door. I hope my flimsy lamp can protect me. Peeking through my peephole, I was shocked to see a drenched and stressed but still beautiful Cordelia outside. I dropped my lamp carefully and opened my door._

_"Delia? What are you-"_

_Cordelia immediately hugged me. She's shaking, but I'm not sure about why._

_"I missed you so much, (Y/N). I am so sorry for being such an asshole to you. I'm sorry." Cordelia cried to me._

_I immediately returned her hug tightly. Her soaked frame is trembling violently. I don't care if she's getting me wet, I am at least relieved now that she's here with me. She's safe._

_"Shh, it's okay. It's okay, bug. Please don't cry, I'm not mad at you, Delia." I comforted her by stroking her back. It's true, I am not mad. I am just sad and disappointed, but not to her. Mostly to myself._

_I gently let go of the hug and looked at her crying face. I hate seeing her sad. I wish I could just kiss her and hug her and make her pain go away. I tried to get her soaked coat off of her. She's not even wearing anything that could save her from the harsh weather. She's wearing a very thin dress underneath her coat. It's like she just impulsively went here._

_"Let me get you a fresh change of clothes, okay? After you change, I'll give you some tea, yes?" I said softly._

_The blonde is still looking down, crying. Her face is a mess because of the rain. Her perfect and smooth yellow locks are also a mess. I combed some of the stray strands that stuck on her face carefully. I lead her to my bathroom and left her there for a while to get a fresh pair of clean sweater and sweatpants. When I put it on my bed, I went back to her._

_"I left your clothes at my bed. I'll be outside while you change. You can shower if you want. I'll just prepare some tea for you, Delia." I said softly._

_I was about to turn around when she held my wrist and started to kiss me. I was shocked but I returned it out of reflex. When it dawned on me what we're doing I tried to pull away gently. I can't do the same mistake again. I don't want to completely lose her._

_"Delia, wait..." I stepped back to calm my breathing. "I-I can't lose you again. I'm sorry. I-I don't want to make the same mistake again. Please... I-"_

_I cut off myself because I started to break down. I am sobbing now because I am extremely overwhelmed. I slid down the wall and cried in my hands._

_Cordelia immediately went beside me and hugged me. Whispering comforting and calming words to me. "I'm sorry, darling. I am really sorry."_

_I continued to sob in Cordelia's arm. The blonde trapped me against her chest and she's kissing the top of my head. When I finally calmed down, I looked up at her._

_"Why are you doing this to me, Cordelia?" I whispered weakly. "I'm sorry for doing that that night. Please, I don't want to lose you."_

_Cordelia teared up a little, too. "I'm sorry for hurting you, (Y/N). Please forgive me."_

_"I forgive you, Delia. I will always forgive you." I whispered._

_When we both have calmed down, I stood up to leave Cordelia in my bedroom. She still have to change. "I'll be at the kitchen, making tea. Just call me if you need anything, Delia."_

_I left immediately because I need air. I feel suffocated being there. As I'm waiting for my kettle to boil, I sat at my kitchen counter and texted the girls that Cordelia is safe and she's with me. They're all relieved to know that._

_"(Y/N)?"_

_I turned around to look at the freshly-showered woman standing in my kitchen. The kettle started to whistle now, too. Indicating the tea is ready. Perfect._

_I hopped off my counter and prepared two mugs. I put extra milk and honey on Delia's mug because that's how she likes her tea. I felt warm pair of arms around my waist and I almost dropped the mug out of shock. Delia is hugging me from behind!_

_"I'm still very sorry for everything, (Y/N)." Cordelia whispered._

_I turned around but Cordelia is still gently holding me in her arms. I stared at her sparkling deep brown eyes then looked at her soft pink lips. I closed my eyes briefly to clear my head and when I opened it, Cordelia kissed me again. Thank god I already put the mug down earlier, or else there will be a mess at my kitchen floor._

_I can't think anymore. I'm trying to listen to the warnings in my head, but there aren't any. They're drowned out by the noise of the rain outside._

_I kissed Cordelia passionately and held her against my arms. I started to back her gently against my counter. I let go off her lips to kiss down on her chin, down to her neck. I sucked on her soft skin gently so I won't leave any marks. Oh god, even her skin also tastes sweet. The blonde is breathing hard and turned her head to the side so I could have more access to her neck. She tangled her smooth hands on my hair. I sucked on her pulse point, making her moan. Oh how sweet that sound is. I mentally memorized the spots that makes Cordelia moan when they're stimulated._

_I pulled her closer to my body as I trail my tongue back up behind her ear, sucked on it, then played with the lobe of it._

_"Oh god." Cordelia moaned when I bit on the shell of her ear._

_She moaned louder when I licked her jawline. Fuck, her bone structure is so perfect. I sucked on her pulse point and her hands tugged on my hair lightly. It aroused me more._

_My hands were busy roaming around her body as I'm attacking the soft skin of her neck. I let them land on her fat ass cheeks and squeezed tightly. Cordelia groaned out of pleasure when I kneaded her ass gently. I've always wanted to squeeze her ass because they're so plump, too. I have to stop myself from slapping it so I put my hands below her thighs to lift her up. She instantly wrapped her long legs around my waist and slightly grinded her core against my stomach. I carried her to my bed while still kissing her intensely._

_"You won't lose me." Cordelia whispered when I laid her back on my bed. She looks so hot and gorgeous under me. Her yellow hair is sprawled on my pillow and the occasional lightning outside my window illuminates one side of her face. She's so beautiful._

_My heartbeats are erratic because I'm about to make love to her. I'm hoping what she whispered to me is true, because I will go insane if after this, she will ignore me again. I am in love with her, and I will believe everything she will tell me even if it's bullshit. I nodded my head to her._

_"Make love to me, (Y/N)." Cordelia whispered to me._

"H-how are they?" I asked Cordelia, once I pulled myself away from a stupid fucking flashback again.

I feel like I've been standing under this shed for hours now, but that's exaggerating. I think it's only for a few minutes or so. The time seems to be moving extra slow right now, and this rain seems to pour harder than earlier. Great.

"They're doing great. Nan helped me renovate the garden and the girls take turns attending to it. At least they don't have to water it today because..." Cordelia pointed to the rain.

I let out an airy chuckle. "Ha, yeah. At least it saved them some work."

Cordelia nodded. "I just hope they're not playing in the rain right now because it's heavy and seems dangerous."

_Five months after our impromptu 'lovemaking', I am a little surprised that Cordelia kept her promise._

_I didn't lose her. But the lingering thought is still there, and I can't help the fear I am feeling._

_We mentioned the elephant in the room the next morning. She told me she's starting to feel confused about her feelings towards me, thus asking if we could kiss that night. After that wonderful kiss, her feelings confused her even more. She thought maybe she's just lonely and she doesn't want to lead me on. That's why she distanced herself because she wanted to sort it out. It pained her so much when she did that, because the longing for my presence just doubled, she said. I also voiced out what I felt but I didn't want to make her feel guilty. She kept on apologizing but I reassured the blonde that it's okay. I'm better now._

_Since then, our arrangement became 'friends with benefits'. We occasionally have sex when she wants or when I want. Cordelia said she's still trying to make sure how she feels towards me. If it's real or not. She asked me if it's fine by me. Obviously I said yes. Even when it's hurting me so much, I will always say yes to everything she wants. Hell, Cordelia can tell me to kill myself and I will do it._

_But as time pass by, I'm starting to feel that we're going nowhere. I'm starting to feel like, I'm just a company she can keep around to distract her from loneliness and such. It's like I am an experiment. But I agreed to this, right? So it's my fault. I brought this to myself. A fool who's under Cordelia's spell. Awesome._

_Cordelia knows by now that I love her more than a friend. She said she likes me, too. But asked for more time because she's still having trust and commitment issues and I can't blame her. That fucking Hank destroyed her, now we're both suffering. I will wait until she's ready to call me her girlfriend._

_I am at her greenhouse right now, helping Delia repot her plants. I joked at her that this kind of activity is a typical lesbian date. The blonde laughed and said, "then it's a date." My heart swelled at that._

_As we are cleaning the gardening materials we used, the rain started pouring outside the greenhouse. Good thing I brought my umbrella today. Bad thing is it's in my car. Delia and I then heard chuckles and laughters outside. It's the girls. They're playing in the rain._

_"Oh no. The house will be a mess again." Delia shook her head._

_I laughed and pecked her lips. "Come on. Let loose. Let's play at the rain with them."_

_I held her hand and dragged her with me. She's laughing but she let me drag her to the rain with me._

_The girls cheered on, some of them knows about my 'relationship' with their headmistress._

_We all are now dancing and playing at the rain like little kids. I carried Cordelia bridal style and twirled her around. She was giggling the whole time._

_Oh, she's adorable. I love her._

_When I let her down and she's standing, she kissed me. Who said you have to be on a Nicholas Sparks book before you could kiss someone in the rain?_

_The girls are busy playing somewhere so they didn't saw us kissing. This is so romantic. I love the rain now._

"Well... Nothing can stop them." I chuckled lightly.

"Yeah, you're right." Cordelia chuckled too.

"Is there no one else there? That could, uhm, supervise them?" I hesitantly asked.

Why am I starting to feel comfortable in talking with Cordelia now?

"There's an adult there, yes. But sometimes the girls are even more mature than Misty." Cordelia responded, while chuckling and shaking her head.

Misty. Oh yes, Misty Day.

_"Misty is a very bright student. She's been helping me a lot with the greenhouse and she's listening to me very well."_

_Cordelia happily told me, while playing with my hair softly._

_"Oh yeah?" I answered half-heartedly, looking out the window._

_It's raining again. Great._

_I am in a bad mood. This set-up I have with Cordelia is starting to take a toll on me. When will she be ready? It's been almost a year since we started this. And we're still not together._

_I'm starting to get tired of this; I'm tired of crying myself to sleep every night, I'm tired of questioning my worth, I'm tired of being Cordelia's sex toy. I want something real. I love her so much, and I've been showing it to her in every way that I can. But apparently it's not enough for her to commit to me. It's not enough for her to trust me. I'm tired of being her almost._

_"Are you okay, darling?" Cordelia softly asked._

_No, Cordelia. I am not okay._

_"Yeah, I'm just tired."_

_Why am I under an unbreakable spell? Why am I like this? Why do I love her so much? I hate this._

_I am in Cordelia's bedroom right now. I kinda live here sometimes. Weird, right? Cordelia is fine with me living with her but not fine to be my girlfriend. Am I that disgusting? What is wrong with me?_

_"You're not being honest to me." Cordelia said in a slightly louder voice. She's annoyed._

_"I said I'm okay, Cordelia. I'm just tired, alright?" I snapped. I never speak to Cordelia like that. Even when I'm frustrated with her, I never snap at her. But everyone has their limits, right?_

_"What is wrong with you?" Cordelia snapped back._

_Oh no, this isn't good._

_"You wanna know what's wrong with me? You wanna know what's wrong with me? This!"_

_I gestured the space between us._

_"This is what's wrong. You know why? Because I'm tired of this stupid set-up, Cordelia! I am tired of waiting for nothing! I am tired of acting like everything is okay to me, because it isn't!"_

_I shouted. I didn't even know tears are starting to fall from my eyes._

_Cordelia was speechless._

_"You told me to be patient. Yes! I've been patient. But you're slowly killing me, Cordelia. I've been patient for nothing. You said you just need time, but it's almost a year, Delia. We're not even taking it slow, 'cause we've been screwing each other for almost a year now. Is my affection for you not enough?"_

_I breathed deeply._

_"Can you please just be honest with me? Didn't I love you enough? Do I really have a chance on you? Do I even have a shot in the beginning? Am I just a distraction, an experiment?"_

_I paused, trying to even my breathing._

_"Do you really like me? Because if you don't, you can just tell me."_

_I let my tears flow freely now. Even Cordelia is crying. Normally, seeing her cry will make me soft. But not now, not anymore._

_"Please just tell me, Delia. I'm exhausted and frustrated. I can't keep doing this, to myself especially."_

_I huffed in frustration and wiped some tears off of my face._

_"Say something!" I shouted._

_Cordelia flinched a little. She looks so sad._

_"I am sorry, (Y/N). I-I... I just... I just need a little more time."_

_I want to punch a wall so bad, and scream at her, but I can't. I don't want to cause a scene._

_She answered my questions. She doesn't love me. I knew it, I am just a friend since the start. It's fucking painful, but it is what it is._

_I started to move so I could get away from this place and get away from Cordelia. Fuck the rain outside, fuck me getting wet. I don't care, I have to go._

_"If you have no plan on keeping me, then at least let me go, Cordelia."_

I looked at Cordelia's hand and saw a diamond ring on it. Wow.

Cordelia seemed to notice my staring because she moved to slightly hide the big, shiny, diamond ring wrapped on her finger. At least she has moved on and is getting married again. I am happy for her and to the lucky person she's marrying.

I watched the slowing but still heavy rain now and sighed deeply when a painful memory flashed through my eyes again.

_It's been a year since my sudden outburst at Cordelia. Since then, I never hear from her._

_I blocked her number, and the other girls' number, too. Except for Zoe. The young girl comforted me when I had no one and understood my decision. I didn't tell anyone but her that I am moving away so I could forget the blonde woman that I love so much._

_I got a job from London and it's a perfect opportunity for me to get away. Although the weather sucks because it always rains here. And I have a pretty good history about rain._

_I am slowly healing but I must admit, I still love Cordelia. I wish there was a switch that could make you love or unlove a person. But there's none, you just have to deal with it. I've been trying to go out and mingle but all the other women pale in comparison to the blonde beauty who broke my heart._

_I am talking with Zoe on the phone right now. In a year, she will graduate. She said she wants to come visit me here in London. I told her sure, but she has to learn an English accent first._

_I am grateful to the girl because she doesn't mention about my ex-bestfriend unless I ask her about it. I know it's weird that I still pine over her but I just wanna know how she's doing._

_Zoe told me Cordelia was devastated when I was gone. She doesn't eat, she doesn't sleep, she always cry, and she doesn't come out of her room often. I felt bad but it is what it is, right? Though one day, Cordelia is slowly getting better. She's taking care of the girls again and kinda grown close to one student in particular._

_Misty Day._

_I remembered who Misty Day is, she's the promising student Cordelia has been gushing about when we were still 'together'. Wow, now they're dating. Good for Misty, she captured Cordelia Goode's heart._

_Maybe despite all the efforts and affections I am giving Cordelia, I simply am not the one she wants or needs. It's like Cordelia needs an ice cold water. Me, I'm fanning the water to make it cold. But Misty, she walks into the room with an ice cold water. Even if I exert all my best efforts, if I don't have what Cordelia wants or needs, then it just won't work._

_I said goodbye to Zoe on the phone because I have to get back to work again. I brought out my umbrella to protect me from this stupid and annoying London weather. Gah, I really hate the rain. I walked back to work thinking about Cordelia, and how much I still love her._

"When did you come back here in New Orleans?" Cordelia asked, breaking me out of my flashback again.

"Just a month ago." I said, my acquired British accent slipped out. I lived in London for 3 years, and I adapt to my environment. Thus having a British accent.

It's been 3 years also since I last seen Cordelia, but she's still the same. Still beautiful, still elegant, and I still love her. Great.

Few more minutes have passed and it's just drizzling now. Finally. One thing I learned in London, a drizzle is just nothing. I can walk through this.

"I have to go. It was nice seeing you again, Cordelia." I said to the blonde, smiling at her.

The blonde nodded and without another word, I walked away and left her standing there under the shed. When I turned my head slightly to look back at her, I saw her open her umbrella. I chuckled in disbelief.

Cordelia has an umbrella the whole time.

I carried on walking and smiled to myself.


End file.
